My life has totally changed ever since Rian was born. He made me into something I never thought I would be. He has made me into a stronger women. I have evolved myself into somebody more matured.
My life now without Rian will be useless. I am feeling the pain, the loneliness and the guilt of not having Rian by my side. Although I know that he has a family who will love him and take good care of him, somehow I couldn't stop thinking about him. There is a bond that connects both our souls although he is not physically with me. This has made me cried into tears a few times. But I have always told myself that I must be strong for Rian no matter what as I still want to be in his life. There are many negative thoughts in my head and I am trying my hardest to brush those thoughts aside and think of the positive things in life.
I just hope that no matter what Rian will know that I am his mother and he is my son. Although he will call someone else "Mom", I still want him to know that I am also his mother who gave him a life in this world. I don't want him to hate me for giving him away as this is not what I wanted to do but I have no choice. I want to hear him calling me "Mom" every single day and love me for who I am. That is all I ask of him and I am wishing it everyday. I pray for the best for him.
Today, I went to register Rian's birth certificate at the National Registry. It was my first registering a birth certificate. Was a bit overwhelmed. The lady at the counter asked me why there is a Malay name. I explained that Rian's father is a Malay but we are not legally married. I am registering as a single mother. Therefore, I decided on Rian Shamuel Haidhar Wong. She was reluctant to agree to that name but I insisted. She went to ask her supervisor and it was alright with him. Then, she suddenly gave me a life teaching lesson. She said that girls should get married first before having babies and bla bla bla bla bla ... I know it was a mistake to have a baby out of wedlock but it already happened and I can't get married now so I have no other choice but to be a single mother. Marriage to me is a life long commitment especially when I am a Chinese and my partner is a Muslim. I can't just get married like that without throughly thinking about it and make sure that I am really ready. I will definitely get married but just not now. I was thinking about giving Rian another sibling but just not now either. Me and my partner have visions on how our future will be like but the time is just not right. I just hope that my family and friends will understand my situation and not make negative judgement about me, my partner or my son. Life will still have to go on even though we are not legally married as to me the most important thing is that we love each other, that is more than enough for me.
Finally, I got to see my son's birth certificate. I was so happy to see my son's birth certificate.
I went to see Rose's blog and FB. I saw her shoutout 'Introducing Rian Shamuel Haidhar .. my son'. At first, I was a bit hurt by it but later I come to terms that Rose is also my son's mother as she is the one taking care of him. I told myself that I shouldn't be so selfish and self-centered. We both are Rian's mother and we both are the one that is going to love him and be loved by him. But it is hard sometimes to control my feelings. I admit it. Maybe I will need time to get used to it and accept it. For me, we are all a family. That is the only thing that matters.
My life now without Rian will be useless. I am feeling the pain, the loneliness and the guilt of not having Rian by my side. Although I know that he has a family who will love him and take good care of him, somehow I couldn't stop thinking about him. There is a bond that connects both our souls although he is not physically with me. This has made me cried into tears a few times. But I have always told myself that I must be strong for Rian no matter what as I still want to be in his life. There are many negative thoughts in my head and I am trying my hardest to brush those thoughts aside and think of the positive things in life.
I just hope that no matter what Rian will know that I am his mother and he is my son. Although he will call someone else "Mom", I still want him to know that I am also his mother who gave him a life in this world. I don't want him to hate me for giving him away as this is not what I wanted to do but I have no choice. I want to hear him calling me "Mom" every single day and love me for who I am. That is all I ask of him and I am wishing it everyday. I pray for the best for him.
Today, I went to register Rian's birth certificate at the National Registry. It was my first registering a birth certificate. Was a bit overwhelmed. The lady at the counter asked me why there is a Malay name. I explained that Rian's father is a Malay but we are not legally married. I am registering as a single mother. Therefore, I decided on Rian Shamuel Haidhar Wong. She was reluctant to agree to that name but I insisted. She went to ask her supervisor and it was alright with him. Then, she suddenly gave me a life teaching lesson. She said that girls should get married first before having babies and bla bla bla bla bla ... I know it was a mistake to have a baby out of wedlock but it already happened and I can't get married now so I have no other choice but to be a single mother. Marriage to me is a life long commitment especially when I am a Chinese and my partner is a Muslim. I can't just get married like that without throughly thinking about it and make sure that I am really ready. I will definitely get married but just not now. I was thinking about giving Rian another sibling but just not now either. Me and my partner have visions on how our future will be like but the time is just not right. I just hope that my family and friends will understand my situation and not make negative judgement about me, my partner or my son. Life will still have to go on even though we are not legally married as to me the most important thing is that we love each other, that is more than enough for me.
Finally, I got to see my son's birth certificate. I was so happy to see my son's birth certificate.
I went to see Rose's blog and FB. I saw her shoutout 'Introducing Rian Shamuel Haidhar .. my son'. At first, I was a bit hurt by it but later I come to terms that Rose is also my son's mother as she is the one taking care of him. I told myself that I shouldn't be so selfish and self-centered. We both are Rian's mother and we both are the one that is going to love him and be loved by him. But it is hard sometimes to control my feelings. I admit it. Maybe I will need time to get used to it and accept it. For me, we are all a family. That is the only thing that matters.
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