Its Hard Not to be Sad!

Its hard when it comes to think of your own son being owned by other family. Life has been hard for me since I gave my baby Rian to his adopted family. I kept asking myself, was it the right thing to do? Was it the best for Rian? I did think about being a single mother but I know it is not easy considering myself is still young and I'm still a student. There is a big responsibility in being a mother and I know O can't take that responsibility right now. I am not ready.

This is the reason why I gave Rian to an adopted family. I know that I am not capable of providing the best for him but others can. When I was pregnant with Rian, I had a lot of worries with me. Worries about how Rian's life will be when he is born. I was so worried for Rian that I'm lost myself sometimes. That's when I decided to give him for adoption. But although he is adopted by another family, I will still be involved in his life as I never want him to forget me as his mother. I am always afraid that Rian will hate me for giving him away. I never want Rian to hate me, not his own mother. I also don't want him to hate his own father. We both have our own reasons why we can't raise him by ourselves and this I hope Rian will understand one day.

Everyday, without fail, I would think of Rian. Seeing his pictures in my phone, remembering the very first day I knew that I had him, sometimes brings me to tears. I know these are the feeling of guilt and I miss him everyday. Remembering vividly the moment he open his eyes and his little fingers touches mine. Soon, there are only tears in my eyes.

I always tell myself that I have to be strong and think positively for the sake of Rian. I can never collapse. I always make it a commitment that I will spend more time with Rian and cherish him with my love as much as I can. I want to create that strong bond that we have when he were still in my stomach. I never ever wanted that bond to disappear. I also told my partner that if can, he must spend more time with Rian. Let him have a nice memory that he has his true parents that love him always no matter what even though he is not with us. After all, he is our son.

I pray to God everyday to give me the courage to remain strong everyday for Rian and hope that he is always healthy and have happiness cherish upon him. May God bless Rian.

Last night, I went to visit Rian with my partner and his cousin who purposely came all the way from the East just to visit Rian. I was happy when I saw Rian. Same goes to my partner and his cousin. My partner couldn't stop looking at him and whispering words to him. His cousin couldn't stop kissing him on the cheeks. This is how much Rian is loved by all of us.

After almost 2 hours there, we decided to go back as it was already late at night and Rian was already sound asleep. I kissed goodbye to Rian on his forehead. It was heart wrenching to leave Rian. Then in the car, his cousin comfort me with words of wisdom. He knew it was hard for me as a mother to be seperated her son. He told me to be strong for the sake of Rian. He said that Rian was a gift from God and we must cherish him as one. What he said was right and somehow it gives a sense of comfort in me. At least someone understands my situation and how I feel.

Just now, I was chatting with Rose and we were chatting about Rian. All of the sudden, I just broke down in tears. I couldn't help it every time I think of Rian. She console me and gave me advices. At least I could open up to someone and that person understands me.

I am even crying now writing this blog. It hurts a lot. I just hope I am strong enough to go through this. I am just afraid that I might collapse. Help me be strong God!

Seeing Rian Makes Me Happy

Today I was so happy that I finally got to see Rian after 3 days of not seeing him. I woke up early as I was excited that I am finally going to see Rian. I ate my breakfast, got ready and went out to pick up my friend, Intan and my godfather at Cheras. They too were very excited to see Rian.

I drove all the way to Kak Rose's house which I wasn't sure where. Got lost for about half an hour searching for Kak Rose's house. Finally, we found her house. When we reached, Rian was sound asleep, as usual. I miss him so much that I were in near tears when I finally saw him. He woke up and he were trying to open his heavy little eyes. Kak Rose fed him milk and I was able to carry him. I was also able to play with him. He opened his big little eyes. He has put on a bit of weight. My godfather also carried him.

After almost one a half hours there, I have to make a move. It was hard to leave Rian behind but I told myself it is okay. I could still come and see him wherever I wanted too. I kissed him on his head before I leave. My godfather gave him RM10 as "angpau".

Having Rian around changed my life completely. I need time to get use to it. It may not be easy for me not having Rian by my side, but slowly I can cope with it. Whenever I see babies with their moms, I kind of pity myself and Rian that we could not be like them, for now. I can't wait to finish my exams, then I will have time to go and visit Rian whenever I can. If can, I want to spend most of my time with Rian so that he will not feel that he is leftout by his own mom. I want to be in his life wherever and whenever possible. After all, I am his biological mother. Sometimes I think, I can't wait for Rian to grow up. I would think, what will Rian look like when he is big. He will be as good looking like his father and be a smart person. I also would think of my future with Rian. Everyday, I pray hard for him so that he will have a healthy and happy life. I love u, Rian!

My Life Totally Changed Forever

My life has totally changed ever since Rian was born. He made me into something I never thought I would be. He has made me into a stronger women. I have evolved myself into somebody more matured.

My life now without Rian will be useless. I am feeling the pain, the loneliness and the guilt of not having Rian by my side. Although I know that he has a family who will love him and take good care of him, somehow I couldn't stop thinking about him. There is a bond that connects both our souls although he is not physically with me. This has made me cried into tears a few times. But I have always told myself that I must be strong for Rian no matter what as I still want to be in his life. There are many negative thoughts in my head and I am trying my hardest to brush those thoughts aside and think of the positive things in life.

I just hope that no matter what Rian will know that I am his mother and he is my son. Although he will call someone else "Mom", I still want him to know that I am also his mother who gave him a life in this world. I don't want him to hate me for giving him away as this is not what I wanted to do but I have no choice. I want to hear him calling me "Mom" every single day and love me for who I am. That is all I ask of him and I am wishing it everyday. I pray for the best for him.

Today, I went to register Rian's birth certificate at the National Registry. It was my first registering a birth certificate. Was a bit overwhelmed. The lady at the counter asked me why there is a Malay name. I explained that Rian's father is a Malay but we are not legally married. I am registering as a single mother. Therefore, I decided on Rian Shamuel Haidhar Wong. She was reluctant to agree to that name but I insisted. She went to ask her supervisor and it was alright with him. Then, she suddenly gave me a life teaching lesson. She said that girls should get married first before having babies and bla bla bla bla bla ... I know it was a mistake to have a baby out of wedlock but it already happened and I can't get married now so I have no other choice but to be a single mother. Marriage to me is a life long commitment especially when I am a Chinese and my partner is a Muslim. I can't just get married like that without throughly thinking about it and make sure that I am really ready. I will definitely get married but just not now. I was thinking about giving Rian another sibling but just not now either. Me and my partner have visions on how our future will be like but the time is just not right. I just hope that my family and friends will understand my situation and not make negative judgement about me, my partner or my son. Life will still have to go on even though we are not legally married as to me the most important thing is that we love each other, that is more than enough for me.

Finally, I got to see my son's birth certificate. I was so happy to see my son's birth certificate.

I went to see Rose's blog and FB. I saw her shoutout 'Introducing Rian Shamuel Haidhar .. my son'. At first, I was a bit hurt by it but later I come to terms that Rose is also my son's mother as she is the one taking care of him. I told myself that I shouldn't be so selfish and self-centered. We both are Rian's mother and we both are the one that is going to love him and be loved by him. But it is hard sometimes to control my feelings. I admit it. Maybe I will need time to get used to it and accept it. For me, we are all a family. That is the only thing that matters.

My Angel Rian is born!

Rian Shamuel Haidhar was born on 18th May 2009 at 9pm sharp at Pusat Perubatan Naluri. It was the most joyful moment of my entire life. No words to describe how happy and grateful I am when I saw Rian for the very first time.

I went to the hospital at 10.30 am after accompanying my mom to the market. Waited to see Dr Kay to see the condition of Rian. Waited anxiously. Finally, the nurse called my name at 11.45am. Went in. Did ultrasound and Dr Kay said that she will have to induce me because my water level has dropped! I was stunned for a moment. She inserted the inducing pill into my vagina. The nurse led me upstairs to change my clothes and take my blood pressure. Then she scanned Rian's heartbeat. It was loud and fast. I was estatic to her Rian's heartbeat beating inside of me.

Then the nurse led me upstairs to my room. Waited there anxiously. Then Kak Rose came. Waited and waited. Finally, the nurse ask me to go downstairs to the recovery room. There she injected Pitocin into my blood to start contractions. It was at 2pm. No pain yet. My cervix was only opened 2cm. Waited again. At 4pm, contractions starts to kick in. That's when it hurt the most. I was sore on my back. Couldn't really move but I couldn't keep myself still as the pain was unbearable. At that time, my cervix was still at 2cm. Then I couldn't stand it any longer. I requested for pain killer but not epidural. I was feeling drousy but I can still feel the pain. It was at 6pm, my cervix was 4cm open.

Finally, at around 8pm my cervix was already at 8cm. The pain was unbearable. I felt like crying but I couldn't. Then at 8.30pm the nurse wheeled me into the labor room. I was like already half dead with the pain keep getting stronger and longer.

I went into my final labor at 8.30pm. Kak Rose was beside me asking me to push. I kept biting my lips and the nurse had to give me a cloth to bite so that I won't bite my lips till it bleed. The ordeal last for half an hour. I still remember vividly that halfway through the process, I was giving up as I couldn't bear the pain any longer. But Dr Kay said 'Just one last push Elly' and so I went for my one final push .. I saw Rian coming out and that was the feeling of huge relief. My whole body was numb as I couldn't even feel a thing when Dr Kay was doing the stitches. I heard Rian's cry for the first time. I was so happy as I am finally a MOTHER.

Before Rian was brought to the nursery, the nurse let me carry him. He has very big round eyes, big nose, small lips and long legs. He weighs only 2.25kg and was 49cm long. He is a very small baby boy.

I was left in the labor room for at least an hour before I was wheeled to my room. My partner came to see me and he was happy and overwhelmed at the same time. Me, I was too happy and tired but I couldn't sleep the whole night thinking about the whole process that I just went through. I just couldn't believe it.

The next day, couldn't wait to see Rian. When I finally get to see him, the feeling of joy just rushed in into my body. I got to carry him. My partner came early to see Rian and he too was speechless when he finally got to hold Rian in his arms.

I was bed-ridden the whole day. The stitches hurts a lot. Couldn't even sit. I got to carry Rian to sleep the whole evening. It was a joy of happiness when I saw Rian sleeping in my arms.

Today, I was discharged from the hospital. Finally, I was able to go home. And Rian will be staying with Kak Rose from that moment on. I was devastated. Sad. The feeling of separating from Rian hurt me the most. Although I could still see Rian whenever I want, but I couldn't bear the feeling. How I wish if I could see him everyday.

All I can do is just to pray that he will be well always, happy and grow up to be somebody someday. I will always be there for him whenever he needs me. I will always love him no matter what!

Its D-Day!!

Finally, its The Day! Tomorrow I'll be admitting myself into the hospital to be induced. Why I have to be induced? Well, a checkup on my body reveals that my blood pressure is high and there might be protein leakage in my urine. So doctor decides to induce me for the safety of me and my baby.

Tomorrow morning I'll be going to the hospital. Have to tell you, I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing and at the same time I'm excited. Unfortunately, my partner can't be with me as he has to work and was unable to take a day off. Its alright. I understand. But he'll come straight away after work and if he is fortunate enough he gets to see our baby being born.

I'm so excited and nervous, really, no kidding. I was packing my stuff last night. I know what I need to bring to the hospital but somehow I just don't know what to put inside the bag. My nerves and excitement is taking over me. I don't even know how long will I need to stay in the hospital.

The adopted mother was so excited when she knew that I will deliver on Monday. She's taking half day leave to accompany me. Even my close friends were as excited as I am. But I know that all they wanted to see was my baby, not me. I know, I know .. this is because my baby will be very cute cause he's a mix of Chinese and Malay. My partner is good-looking and I'm pretty. I get it! *wink*

I seriously have no idea how or what the whole labor ordeal will be like. This is freaking me out. Some said its just like menstrual cramp, just that it hurts 'a little more' than menstrual cramp, and some said that its like pain in hell. Gosh, I'm freaking out cause' I hate pain. I'm no immune towards pain. But I guess I still have to go through it. I don't want to relay on epidural even its the most painful thing.

I'm just thinking about the whole process. Before, during and after labor. Man, I'm going to be half dead by the time I'm finished with the whole ordeal. My partner has been texting me almost everyday asking me 'how are you dear?'. I guess he is as nervous and excited as I am. Well, he's going to be a first time dad. Well, it is his biological son right.

I'm just wondering what my life will be like after the birth of Ryan. I'm sure it will be something truly different and challenging considering that I finally have a SON of my own! I just pray everyday that Ryan will be the most happy and beautiful person he is everyday. I just want the best for him and there's nothing else I would ask for. May God bless him always!!

3 weeks and counting ..

3 more weeks to go before Ryan is due .. Feeling nervous though as the date is nearing ..
My tummy is getting bigger and bigger and I'm finding it even harder to move and sleep at night ..
Ryan is becoming more and more active these days although there is not much room for him to move around in my tummy ..
I have a feeling that it will be anytime soon now .. Its just a matter of time ..
I went for my regular check up at the clinic I used to go in Ampang Point. Normally, I will see the lady gynae but on that Saturday she was on leave so I have to see this guy doctor instead. I don't like that guy doctor. He's not attentive at all and he's very rude.
So after that, I talked to Kak Rose (Ryan's soon-to-be adopted mom) that maybe we try the hospital in Wangsa Maju. A friend of mine recommended that hospital as she deliver there the last time and she said its not bad.
So we went there. Little did I know it was Wesak Day, a public holiday, no gynae doctor around. Disappointed.
So we decided to go there on Monday. I went there on Monday which is today, the doctor that I wanted to see will only be in during the evening. Disappointed again. So will go back there in the evening.
It is so hard to find a good and understanding gynae doctor nowadays. Not all are nice and attentive.
We as a pregnant ladies are very sensitive one you know. So doctors have to be attentive and be nice to us.

5th May 2009 .. Another day has passed!

Yet another day has passed. I'm getting more and more nervous and agitated not knowing when Ryan will come out into this big and beautiful world.

Today, I went out with Ryan's 3 soon-to-be godmothers. Well, they are actually my good friends whom I have known for many years. We were having lunch at Island Bistro in Pavilion and we were talking about Ryan. They can't wait for the arrival of Ryan.

Then, we were talking about me after I give birth to Ryan. Apparently, there are many things that I have to practice .. the Do's and Don'ts during my confinement period. And when I heard it, I started thinking that it is not going to be a nice and easy 1 month for me =(

I will have to really be careful once I give birth to Ryan. And getting my post baby body back. Actually I'm not that worried as I didn't really gained much weight.

Last night while sleeping, I can feel Ryan's head slowly getting lower and lower down my abdomen. I was so freaked out thinking I might go into labor anytime soon within these few days. But I can't as I still have to celebrate my mom's birthday this coming Friday. I can't go into labor yet. Oh gosh, its very nerve-wreaking thinking about this.

Hopefully I will only go into labor after my mom's birthday. Or else, Ryan will give his grandma a very huge birthday suprise. Fingers crossed!!

Can't Wait Any Longer

Today, as usual Rian is practicing his kungfu skills in my stomach. He is basically deforming my tummy. One moment, you could see my tummy bulging to the left and then one moment its bulging to the right. Its not a weak kick or what but a powerful one until there are a few times I just went "arghhh"!

He is always active at night. Must he always be active at night?? I have been having trouble sleeping at night thanks to Rian or better known as Ryan to me. To make matter worse, I can only sleep in three positions. Honestly, I'm a very bad sleeper, trust me. I can sleep in all positions. By limiting my sleeping positions to three, I find it really hard to adjust to it. But slowly I'm getting used to it. I don't want Ryan to get squash by me ahakss ..!

Everyday, I will feel like slowly he's coming down as his head is already facing down. He can't wait to come into this big big world I guess. Not only him is feeling the anxiety, even I'm feeling it.

It will be anytime soon. God bless!

Very 1st Blog .. Intro!

This is my 1st blog dedicated to my unborn son, Rian Shamuel Haidhar. I am 8 months pregnant with Rian. I have a very long and complicated story about how Rian came into my life.

I will just make it short and simple. I'm a Chinese and unmarried. I'm still a student doing my final year in degree. For me, having a child out of wedlock is nothing serious. I'm very open when it comes to these things. I only got to know that I was pregnant with Rian when I was 6 months pregnant. No symptoms to show that I was preggers.

Considering that I'm still a student and unmarried, I can't even let my parents know that I'm having a child. So, me and my boyfriend decided to give Rian for adoption. We found a family for Rian and I will still be involved in Rian's life even though he will have an adopted family who will take care of him and I'm unable too. It was a very tough decision to make considering that I have to give my baby to someone else. But as long as Rian can lead a normal and happy life, I'm willing to sacrifice and being contented with it.

That is why, I have decided to create this blog for my baby son, Rian as a way for me to show how much I love him and feeling guilty of not being able to give him the life he deserved.